Cold Hearted
by Ruby Belinsky
Summary: Soukoku AU in which Dazai and Chuuya, once loving eachother dearly, haven't talked in years. Now something weird happend in the estate where they grew up together, and their paths get tangeld up with eachother again. Much to the distaste of Chuuya. Could this be the answer to Chuuya's sudden hatred towards Dazai? *OC,Angst,Suicide and selfharm mentions,Deep plot,BoyxBoy,Smut(?)*
1. Ch1 House of memories

**Title** : Cold Hearted

 **Rating** : M

 **Pairing** : Dazai x Chuuya

 **Author's** **Note** : This is an AU with a slow plot, mainly focussing on the relationship of Chuuya and Dazai but be aware that the OC will also be a major plotpoint.

 **Disclaimer** : Except for the OC, Alfie Lewison, I don't own any of these characters. All rights goes to Bungou Stray Dogs respective owners Hirukawa and Asagiri Kafuka.

 _Be aware, this story contains malexmale relationships._

* * *

\- **Prologue** -

 _*Aflie POV *_

When I was little I would always smile. Even in bad times I would always look for something to be optimistic about. I was thankful for the things I had. A warm bed to sleep in, delicious food served with love, my wonderful friends, my caring parents, endless opportunities, a beautiful future awaiting me.

Those memories, filled with hope and love. I wonder if there were any signs I missed. A warning that didn't hold any significance back then. Who would've thought that your whole life, you entire being could just be taken away in a matter of seconds.

In those seconds I experienced an overflow of emotions. I was so scared. I was furious, morbid. As I watched everything I ever loved be swept away in front of my eyes in utter despair. It was sickening. In those moments of panic I was being nailed to the floor. I couldn't save them. Blame and regret weighed upon me but I still couldn't bring myself to do something but stand there as the coward I was. I wanted to, I really wanted to save them but I'm no hero. My body took control of my mind. My legs, as selfish as they were began to run. Ahead of me was an emotionless void.

Since then there is a hole in my heart. Traumatised by those events I have been suppressing those memories. Sometimes they come back to haunt me in my nightmares. It hurts so much. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I don't want to feel anything. Because every single emotion takes me back to that time. The time I was happy. And even the memory of that happiness hurts because of the realisation that that happiness is gone. Along with my warmth, my appetite, my love, my friends, my parents, my hope, my future.

And thus I am where I am today. Seven years later. Sitting on a bench in my local park in mid-summer, freezing my but off. Looking at the people around me. They make me feel jealous. Jealous of all the things they have, not even realizing how precious and fragile they are.

Jealousy and melancholy are the only feelings I can experience nowadays. The only things that make me different from sociopaths. Except for those I am completely indifferent to world.

Looking at the world with a stoic expression.

Laughing children chasing each other. An old couple looking lovingly at one and another. The thrilling excitement that one dog expresses with his tail. Two teens looking longingly at each other. Eyes full of lust of the male. The frightened expressions those little girls hold. And then, there is me. Feeling nothing but jealousy and melancholy. Heart so cold.

* * *

\- **Chapter** **1** -

 _*Chuuya POV*_

The Oalsom.

The word that felt so distant and nostalgic. It reminded me of the smell of the Chocolate Cosmos flowers that were planted in the small garden of the shelter. I used to spent all my days there, looking at those mesmerizing flowers.

Those times I spent there were nice and quiet. The others rather prefered to cause mischief to the maids of The Oalsom because of this I would always be alone. Until he appeared out of nowhere…

A boy covered in bandages that never bothered to try and communicate with his fellow peers. He seemed to think that he was better than everyone else. He'd snort and roll his eyes at everything. He couldn't care less. And I didn't care either unlike the others who eagerly wanted to push him into telling them who exactly he was, how he ended up here, what the deal were with those bandages, what his ability was, ... Ironically I was the one who he told those things to.

* * *

 _*Flashback*_

 _I ran down the stairs. Lady Olivia told us that after our room was cleaned up we were free until 9:30 pm and had to get ready for bed. I wanted to use this time to clear my head and unwind a little by reading the book 'The sign of four'. After that I planned to go socialize a bit with the others. When I went to the garden I saw him sitting there. On MY bench! The bench in front of the beautiful red flowers, where I sat on my own every. single. day. (Except for when it was raining…) for almost 9 years. It was my special place I could be alone. Him being there doesn't fit this concept of 'being alone for once'. Why does he all the sudden had to… ugh. I sighed and turned around to skip my usual peaceful routine to go back inside until he spoke._

 _"Ah, Nakahara, you're not leaving because I'm here are you?"_

 _Duh…_

 _"Ahem, no it's just.. I uhm.. I thought you wanted to be left alone since your not the social type." I utterer._

 _"Oh the contrary! Please accompany me Nakahara-san." He smiled friendly._

 _...Oh the contrary? Accompany him? Who does he think he is? And who does he think I am? Common folk don't speak that fancy?_

 _"Kay." I dryly said._

 _He chuckled._

 _I sit beside him keeping my distance, hoping he wouldn't start small talk. Why is he being so friendly to begin with? He thinks everything is boring after all as he treats the others as they are not worth listening to._

 _"So… Nakahara Chuuya." He suddenly said._

 _At this I raised an eyebrow. Why does he try to provoke me out of all people?_

 _I sighed: "So...Osamu Dazai."_

 _"You always come here after duties. Why don't you try pranking the maids like the others? I heard that today they are planning to scare lady Olivia by crafting spiders and putting them in her bed. To be honest, they actually don't look that bad considering they were made by a bunch of twelve years olds." Dazai spoke._

 _I gave a small smile at that. "Ah the infamous spider prank, been there, done that. Who do you think invented that one eh?" I asked proudly._

 _He raised an eyebrow._

 _"I have been living here since I was 6. After some years you get tired of plotting pranks. I've outgrown it." I stated._

 _It's not that I'm a loner, I do talk with my fellow peers, I simply can't see the fun in pranking the maids with a bunch of twelve year olds. After all I am 15, the oldest, except for Dazai who is 16, here. I rather want to peacefully read a book from time to time._

 _"You have been living in this hellhole for 9 years?" He blurted out._

 _Ah there it is… Hellhole. Honestly the Oalsom isn't that bad. Unwanted children who were in a way related to the Port Mafia were dumped here. Rather you were the child of a member, an abandoned child of an ex-member or an orphan with a special ability you were put in the special Shelter of the Port Mafia for exceptional children, The Oaslom, where they taught you how to use your ability, how to fight, martial arts, … All the things you need to survive and one day join the Port Mafia. We also got normal classes like Japanese, English, Math, Physics, etc. We are given decent food, proper clothes, education, a library, a beautiful garden, rooms with neat bunkbeds where I had the luxury that I didn't have to share because there were plenty of rooms for everyone. In total we were with 28 and everyone can get along. Life was fairly well actually. The only liability was that we weren't allowed to go outside of The Oalsom. Then again at the age of 16 you may take a step in the world with supervision, from that age the real education begins. You take a look into the Port Mafia base and sometimes you are allowed to go on minor missions with some of the members. Then at the age of 18 you have no choice but to join the Port Mafia. Then the real Hell begins. Forced to take any order, after all you own your life to the Port Mafia. No… They own you._

 _"Hellhole? You shouldn't complain really. Everyone shares the misfortune of being abandoned or unwanted. Every single one of us doesn't have a choice, one day you join the Port Mafia, that's the reality. You can either accept it and enjoy the security you are given here or you can whine about it like you are the only one who doesnt belong here. It's up to you." I bluntly stated._

 _After that you would've thought that this made the guy hate me. I couldn't be more wrong._

 _He suddenly leaned forward, a bit too close to my face. His lips were curled up in a smirk and his eyes looked at me defiantly. THEY LOOKED AT ME DEFIANTLY! WHAT WAS HE GETTING AT? DID HE WANT TO CHALLENGE ME? IS THIS SOME KIND OF STARE OFF?! OH IT'S ON!_

 _I have a very competitive personality…_

 _I leaned in even closer, noses almost touching, and looked fiercely in his eyes._

 _This, he did not expect, neither did I expect the thing he did next._

 _He kissed me._

 _For about 3 seconds he pressed his warm lips against mine. After those two seconds I came to realisation and pushed him back._

 _THAT WAS NOT A STARE OFF!_

 _"Wooooo, wo wo wo wow. … Hold on." I breathed out._

 _…_

 _*Awkward silence in which Dazai looked at me like I said something about cute innocent puppies.*_

 _"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" I blurted out._

 _At that he just chuckled and looked away from me. He was staring at the Chocolate Cosmos flowers in front of us then he suddenly stood up._

 _"You know, I don't think that I'm better than everyone nor that I don't belong here. The thing is, I do belong here, more than any of you guys. You are the ones who are actually better. You haven't committed any crimes for being born… I am not like you. You all fear for the day you are forced to join the Port Mafia, unlike me, I actually look forward to it. Every day will be exciting and unsure whether you survive. I think that's what makes you cherish it more. As for you…" He pauses and looks at me from head to toe, then smiles and continues his monologue._

 _"Chuuya…" He says while giving me a smirk._

 _I gulped. I gulped dammit._

 _"I think you are the only thing that fairly interests me here. Let's meet up here often." He says and before I can even manage a word he wanders off back inside._

 _…_

 _I need to comprehend this._

 _He kissed me._

 _…_

 _He probably fooled around and wanted to see my reaction. Yeah he probably did it because my flustered state would amuse it. Yeah ok, that must be it. Okay, next._

 _…_

 _He contradicted basicly everything that was known about him. He claims he isn't a cocky bastard that thinks he is better than the rest of us. Well the 'thinks he is better than us' part isn't true. I still have my doubts about 'the cocky bastard' part._

 _…_

 _And then there is his reasoning. Still skeptical about it. I mean he suddenly popped up two months ago out of nowhere at the age of 16 which is very unlikely since everyone came in at a fairly young age. And then there are those bandages around his arms and his neck. And the fact that we, except for his name, know nothing about the guy._

 _…_

 _"You haven't committed any crimes for being born… I am not like you. You all fear for the day you are forced to join the Port Mafia, unlike me, I actually look forward to it." He said._

 _Did he mean he did commit a crime?_

 _He actually looks forward to join the Port Mafia?_

 _Why? Maybe he is one of those types who constantly chases after thrills?_

 _But then again he doesn't seem so. He is always quiet and well mannered._

 _He never tries to initiate a conversation nor is he a hindrance to anyone._

 _…_

 _Why exactly did he try to provoke a conversation out of me?_

 _…_

 _"I think you are the only thing that fairly interests me here. Let's meet up here often."_

 _He did say that, didn't he._

 _He caught intrest in… me?_

 _Also did he call me a thing…? That cocky bastard._

 _Yep he really is._

 _Wait._

 _He wants to meet up often like this?_

 _Was that what this was?_

 _Was this his way of befriending me?_

 _That would explain the sudden share of information about him. Well sort off._

 _I sigh. Well if he really just wants to become friends then there is no reason to not give him a chance. Sure he is a rather mysterious, kinda strange fellow but then again, who knows what he has been through? I have been skeptical with him from the start._

 _I look at the flowers._

 _Well… I guess I can give him a chance._

 _*End of Flashback*_

* * *

The Oaslom?

There went a sudden chill through my spine.

That place was filled with memories.

Memories I'd rather forget.

Memories that were filled with laughter, trust, love.

Memories of my friendship with Dazai Osamu.

Although they are pleasant memories, I can't help but feel an intense hate towards them, towards him.

"May I ask, why me sir?" I asked to the boss of the Port Mafi, Ougai Mori.

"Why do you ask permission if you ask it anyways? May I remind you that your job is to follow orders without a question. Isn't that clear to you, Chuuya?" He asked smiling but on a dangerous tone.

"My apologies sir, I understand. I will go right away." I say and bow.

"Hmm. You have been excused." He responded.

"Yes sir." I say and take my leave.

Why me out of all the members? It isn't my job to investigate. I'm an executive dammit. Investigation is for the minors. Fuck this. Fuck Mori. Fuck the mafia. If he could leave he would, without a second thought. But the only one who actually managed to successfully leave the Port mafia without being killed for it is that waste of bandage, Dazai.

Fuck him. Fuck me. Wait no, don't...fu...dammit!

The Oaslom had been 'attacked' a week ago. There weren't any wounded or anything however something did happen there but nobody knows what exactly.

It all happened overnight. Suddenly all the maids and teachers began to act like they had severe anxiety disorders. All of them. At same time. Like a switch flipped in all their heads and caused them to act paranoid. Some thought their was a complot going on against them, to eliminate them, others were convinced they were being chased down by monsters. Then there were the ones who suffered from extreme hallucinations. They were the worst to handle considering that they were in a state where they didn't have control over their ability.

Then there were the children. Youth will always be rebellious but not to the extent of breaking every single thing that could break, flipping all the tables and chairs and destroying beds, clothes, books. They screamed, jumped , crawled, yes they freaking crawed as they were beasts. I heard that they also tried threatening one of the maids to undress herself… Much to the anxiety of the certain maid. Needless to say it was a complete chaos.

And if you thought it couldn't get worse…

They actually escaped. Yes, now thirty rebellious children and teens were on the louse. And not to mention they had abilities that could easily kill people.

Oh the Port Mafia was an utter catastrophe filled with headless chickens freaking out how to handle this situation.

I should be the one trying to keep everything under control in the city and trying to keep those brats under control but nooooo.

I had to investigate. How the hell am I supposed to know how those maids, teachers, teens, children all had a gigantic moodswing at the same time.

And no, simply checking the security cameras wasn't an option. Since the one in charge of the security of the estate disposed of the tapes because he also had a sudden moodswing. … Extreme hatred towards electronics. Yes. Yes that happened. I have no idea how and I shouldn't be the one figuring it out dammit.

We also tried simply asking the hysterical teachers and maids what happened, if they saw anything.

That didn't work either since they also didn't know the reason of their sudden turn of emotions but they did see someone. Every single one of them said that they were confronted by a boy who they didn't know. Strangely though they couldn't remember anything about the boy. Not his appearance nor what he'd done.

My guess? A stupid ability user with some vengeance towards the Oaslom. So that's probably getting no sleep the next days checking the Oaslom Archive.

A sudden turn in the way you feel about something, a switch in your state of mind…

The thing is, that also happened to me a long time ago.

All of a sudden an inexplicable hatred formed itself in my heart.

A nagging feeling of resentment towards a certain someone I once cherished.

Dazai Osamu.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

Thank you for reading!

So here you go, I hope you enjoyed reading!

If you were wondering, this is how the Chocolate Cosmos looks like: 7aTMozdoLDmPlxucBznDJuOPtB8=/fit-in/700x350/filters:fixed_height(100,100):origin()/pre02/fdbc/th/pre/f/2011/178/7/5/chocolate_cosmos_by_

The Alfie POV was actually very hard for me to write because I am nothing like this character and I can't relate at all but regardless I think it's interesting and fun to write such a complex character.

I also want to note that this is my first fanfic I ever wrote and that my mother language isn't actually English so please forgive me for grammar mistakes and lack of experience. So advice and suggestions are Always welcome and very much appreciated!

So please review and favorite! Tell me what you thought about the first proper meeting between Chuuya and Dazai! :)

Again thank you for reading, it means alot! ^-^

I would also like to thank my amazing and smart best friend for her help editing my horrendous mistakes, her brilliant ideas and wonderful support! ❤

I love her, she's truly an awesome person and thus I dedicate this chapter for her.

I hope you enjoyed this, you incredible dork. ^-^


	2. Ch2 Lightning and thunder

**_\- Ch.2 Thunder and lightning -_**

 _*Chuuya POV*_

" _You really don't like thunder do you?"_

No, I really don't like the damned sounds the clouds produce, making me have a slight heart attack every 5 seconds. The lightning doesn't help either, only the thought of being fried in a matter of seconds makes me shiver.

The cold, bleak atmosphere, the dull scent, the sudden clatter, the chills running through my spine,...

I really hate it.

When I was little, I would always be frightened by thunder and lightning. It seemed so chaotic to me. Something uncontrollable, something I couldn't comprehend.

And now that I grew up, I still don't like it. Yet I am forced to face it head on since I have to investigate that damned case at the Oalsom. What a pain.

Chuuya was headed to the Oalsom. He had parked his car and was now walking in the pouring rain making him jolt with every raindrop that fell on his neck.

After a few minutes walking he stood in front of the gate of the estate he grew up in.

An overwhelming feeling of nostalgia hit him. This had been his home. The place was filled with all his memories.

He opened the gate.

 _Memories filled with happiness._

He walked towards the red flowers, _his_ special flowers.

 _Memories filled with tranquility._

He knelt down in front of one and smelled the familiar sweet scent.

 _Memories filled with hope._

The scent reminded chuuya of _him_.

 _Memories filled with love._

Everything at the Oalsom reminded him of that person.

 _Memories filled with Dazai._

* * *

 _*Flashback*_

" _You really don't like thunder do you?"_

" _No. Can we go back inside now? We can visit the garden tomorrow. It doesn't matter." I stutter._

 _Since the day I met Dazai we would always meet at the bench in front of the Chocolate Cosmos he adored so much._

 _Every Single day Dazai would wait for me._

 _Even when it rained and all the others were inside, he would wait for me._

 _We would talk about our hopes, dreams, life. It were pleasant conversations and with each one of them we grew closer to each other. As each day passed by I got to know one more detail about him while he seemed to see through me from the very beginning._

 _Today there was a terrible thunderstorm attacking the little garden we shared, and as always he would be waiting for me. Today was no exception._

" _We can talk inside. If you want we can go to my room since I don't have to share it with anyone. The maids won't notice if we sneak in." I offered._

 _The thing is, Dazai doesn't socialize with anyone but me. If we were inside, with the others he tends to be distant and push me away. Only when we are alone he seems comfortable enough to be himself._

 _But since there was a stupid policy that said that you may only go to your room to sleep and that other than you and your roommate(s) nobody was allowed to step in one's room. So we would always be surrounded by our fellow pears in the leisure room, the only time we could be alone was in the garden._

" _Could it be Chuuya… that you are just scared of the thunder? hmm?" He said with a smirk on his face._

" _Tsk. Who the hell is scared of the- AH FUCK!" I gasped because of the thunder that interjected my defence and with that also struck my only pride._

" _Ha, fine we'll go to your room. I wouldn't want you crying over it." He chuckled._

" _I'm not scar- Ugh just forget it, come on stupid."_

 _*Interruption Flashback*_

* * *

"FUCKIN- ugh."

Chuuya got a rather harsh wake up call from the thunder striking him out of his trance. He sighed and had another look at the flowers before entering the Oalsom estate. Nothing out of the ordinary. The garden had remained the exact same as he recalled. Maybe there were some clues inside.

First he inspected the corridors with the sleeping rooms and stopped at one he once called his.

He entered the small room that once seemed so much larger. Except for that, everything was the same when he left it.

The walls were a very light beige color, almost looking white with above the bed a few pictures, posters, notes and a calendar.

The floor was made of a soft black material. On the right side there was a big window with in front of it a small tv.

The lower bed I had slept on had a grey sheet with a navy coloured pillow on top. While the upper bed was covered in all black. Black sheets and a black pillow.

It was just a simple, plain, ordinary room but I was still very fond of it.

I took a seat on the grey sheets looking out of the window, trying to calm myself.

Back then I still had him to comfort me from the thunder.

* * *

 _*Continuation flashback*_

" _Must be nice having a room to yourself." Dazai said observing the place._

" _Yeah, you share with Milo right?"_

" _Yep, he's alright. But still, I'm very fond of my privacy."_

" _What do you mean? You only sleep there?"_

 _Dazai smirked and plopped on the bed._

" _Oh Chuuya… As I am eighteen I have my...needs. Which I rather not share with that 14 year old. You're a lucky bastard for having this whole place to yourself. I'm jealous." He said playfully._

" _Move, I'd also like to sit on my bed, if you don't mind." I said shoving his legs away._

" _What are you even saying? Your needs?" I asked._

 _Dazai straightened up and leaned closer._

" _Well… you are a sixteen year old boy so I suppose you should know. But then again, wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't had any experience in that department. So, if a boy is horn-"_

" _I know what you mean dammit you don't have to explain it idiot." I cut him off._

" _Ah, so you also have those needs eh?" He smirked._

" _Of Course I do, I am a gu- what are you doing?" I asked as he leaned forward looking at me… seductively?_

 _Oh no, this is gonna be like that staring contest that wasn't a staring contest again. He's gonna kiss me. Of fuck. N-n-n-no._

 _I quickly placed my hand on his mouth._

 _He was so close dammit._

 _I felt my face turning red and my throat began to feel dry._

" _I don't think so, you stupid-" I stopped and looked wide eyed at the person in front of me. My whole body started to heat up and tingle._

 _It was freaking tingeling. Why the fuck was it fucki- "ngh."_

 _Dazai had taken advantage of this awkward situation by taking my hand that covered his mouth and had been licking it._

" _Let go bastard" I hissed._

 _As soon I managed to free my hand out of his grip I felt a sudden weight upon as my back was being pushed onto the soft sheets._

 _I was being pinned down by Dazai. He had pressed himself on top of me, securing the position by putting his hands on my shoulders._

" _You really are lucky Chuuya_ _～"_ _He smirked playfully and brought his face to my ear and breathed: "While I have been struggeling with coping with those needs you could just do as you pleased. I'm jealous."_

 _I didn't know how to respond. My body felt numb and my mind was dazed._

 _I didn't have the strength to push him off nor could my throat produce any sounds._

" _Would you mind helping me with that?" He smirked before putting his face inches away from mine._

 _He looked at me innocently like this was a normal thing to do._

 _Well it's not like it was abnormal because we were guys. Love is love. As long as you make eachother happy, who cares what gender they are? I never really understood the fuss about it._

 _But it was the fact that I had no experience with love in the first place. Can you blame me, I mean I am being raised at an orphanage for pre-mafia members who were 90% guys. On top of that they were all much younger and more immature than me._

 _And then all of a sudden an attractive eighteen year old boy covered in bandages walzed in out of nowhere and acts all mysterious. Out of all people, befriending me and sharing little details about himself._

 _Like the fact that he likes crabs, strategy games, the color red or that he despises dogs, self pity, secrets and… himself._

 _I don't really understand why, over those couple of months I got to know him better and noticed all these little details about him._

 _The way he looks at me when I'm supposably not looking, though I see him in the corner of my eye smiling fondly at me._

 _The way he desperately tries to keep his brown locks from falling in his eyes._

 _The way he always talks on this calm, mesmerizing manner._

 _The way he carefully thinks of his next thing to say, choosing these specific words that you can interpret differently. In the things he says lingers a deeper meaning if you try and read between the lines._

 _The way he seems to see right through me, like he is able to read my thoughts._

 _But he actually can't, because if he could he would realize he really is something special. Someone worthy of living._

 _I really, really don't understand why he hates himself._

 _Since when have I grown so fond of him? Since when have I grown to love all those little details about this person?_

 _And then it struck me._

 _There isn't anything abnormal about this situation._

 _I had fallen for him._

 _Then why was I resisting him?_

 _I looked at him, trying to calm myself down._

" _Well…" He whispered._

 _Wait...was he waiting for my permission?_

" _Well, what?" I uttered._

 _My voice just cracked, great._

" _So.. do you-" He breathed moving even more closely._

 _His lips were barely an inch separated from mine._

" _-want to help me with this?" He pouted and looked down at his-_

 _Oh._

…

 _WOT?!_

 _If I weren't hot already, I was now. My whole body felt like it was burning._

 _Burning with…_

 _Desire?_

 _If I would just give up resisting and just let him take over._

 _What would be wrong with that?_

 _Why was I even resisting in the first place?_

 _After all, I really had fallen for him._

" _Help yourself." I barely spoke, shivering with anticipation._

 _He smirked._

 _Now I have done it._

 _A pair of warm, soft lips were placed upon mine._

 _I sighed with relief. All this tension building up and I finally let loose. And let this feeling take over.._

 _He deepened the kiss, placing his hand on my cheek._

 _I felt his tongue brushing on my lips. As soon as I opened my mouth his tongue swirled around mine. Both of us fighting for the upper hand._

 _But of course Dazai would take control._

 _I was being completely dominated. He was all over me. His hands rubbing up and down my waist._

 _He made little sounds of pleasure that made a shiver run down my spine._

 _His other hand was placed on my head, his fingers going through my hair._

 _The kiss continued passionately as both of us were overflowing with emotions._

 _On the background I heard the thunder still clattering ever so loudly._

 _My hand gripped his shirt tightly and I pulled him even more closely._

 _His warmth was making it very difficult to breath throughout the passionate make out._

 _Again, lightning struck._

 _But I wasn't frightened anymore._

 _The reason I was resisting Dazai.._

 _I was scared._

 _When you think about it, Dazai himself is kinda like thunder and lightning._

 _Both chaotic and uncontrollable._

 _Making my heart flutter every 5 seconds._

 _Having this cold atmosphere around and making me shiver._

 _The suddenness._

 _The unexpected._

 _Something I didn't comprehend._

 _I didn't hate the thunder and lightning anymore._

 _I began to associate it with him._

 _Everything was being associated with Dazai._

 _Every single thing began to remind me of him._

 _He has set his print on all things._

 _Including me._

 _He had consumed me with love._

 _*End of flashback*_

* * *

The sudden outburst in the clouds snapped Chuuya back to his senses.

He didn't understand.

That all those memories held such strong fondness over that man yet he can't help feeling this intense disgust over it.

He hated this.

Everything was associated with him.

He hated the man he once treasured so dearly.

And he absolutely hated the thunder.

* * *

 _*Dazai's POV*_

"So Rampo, have you figured out what's behind this chaos?" I asked the fellow detective.

"Most likely an ability user that can manipulate the state of mind. Possible motives would be revenge for the Port Mafia since it started at their orphanage but it could also be as a distraction for the real purpose." Rampo stated.

"Or simply for their own amusement?" I asked.

"Doubt it, all the people we interrogated stated that they had no memory of why they were confronted by a boy, who they couldn't recognise. If it were just for amusement, taking those measures to hide his identity would make no sense. If you'd pull a stunt like that for the purpose of trolling the mafia wouldn't you want to take credit? Also the way the culprit handled, it is very precise. Making the security guard dispose of all the cams. He went out of his way to leave no evidence behind. The case is too complicated to be just pulled by some trickster." Rampo explained.

"It's not even our problem. It's the mafia's domain that has been attacked, they should figure it out." Junichiro snorted.

"There are still a few of those brainwashed teenagers out there. They are a threat to the city we are supposed to protect. We can't just leave it like that!" Atsushi sputtered.

"Atsushi is right." I calmly stated.

"Rebelling brats are one thing but this is about ability users who lost their common sense by an ability user who can supposably make you do anything he pleases. Such a dangerous power concerns the whole city." I tried to convince Junichiro who seemed to understand.

"Then what are we gonna do?" Naomi asked.

"I suggest we split up in teams. One trying to capture those brats and the other should go to the Oalsom manor to investigate." Kunikida proposed.

We all agreed to the plan and later I, Atsushi and Rampo went to the Oalsom to look for clues. As for Kyouka, Kenji, Junichirou, Yosano and Kunikida, they went into the city to capture the remaining brainwashed teenagers.

I suggested it would be better if I went along with them since I could reverse the effect of the ability but Rampo said that the chance we'd encounter a mafia member in the Oalsom was high since they would likely be trying to figure out what happened to their mafia members in training.

I didn't really like the idea to go back there. The place was filled with memories of me and Chuuya.

And it would still hurt thinking back to the time I spend together with my former partner. It only reminded me that he hated me now.

I miss him.

Thinking about it, this whole case looked alot like what happened back then.

All out of the sudden a change in behaviour. And a reason that remained unknown.

But it couldn't be the same as what happened to Chuuya.

If it were the consequence of an ability, then why couldn't I neutralise the effect by touching him as he did with the others?

It still pained me that I don't know why Chuuya held such hatred towards me. He never figured out why the grudge was formed.

And Chuuya wouldn't tell me.

* * *

 _*Flashback*_

" _DON'T."_

" _Don't...please don't." Chuuya pleaded._

 _The sound of his voice raspy and filled with both despair and...hate._

" _Chuuya…" I said quietly._

 _The other boy was sitting in the corner shaking furiously and crying his lungs out. He sat holding his knees while moving back and forth._

 _I wanted to comfort him. Throw my arms around his frail body and never let him go again._

 _I wanted to cup his cheeks, stare right into his beautiful blue crystal eyes and kiss him._

 _I wanted to kiss his swollen lips, his bright red cheeks, kiss his tears away along with his fear._

 _His fear for me._

 _He was scared. So unbearably scared._

 _He looked at me like I was the devil. Giving him agonizing fear but at the same time some sort of desire to come closer. A complex and confusing contradiction._

 _While his words were said with an awfully desperate and bitter tone it also sounded like a cry for help._

" _Don't come any closer. I beg you." Chuuya breathed uncontrollably._

 _His words ever so clear to me, carving right into my heart and piercing in my brain that I could still hear them echoing in my ears, yet I ignored them and lowered me to the same niveau of the crying mess now a few inches away from me._

 _I knew Chuuya. Better than he knows himself._

 _Although I have known him only a couple of months I knew him all to well, picking out the pieces of a complicated puzzle that was after it was laid out didn't seem that complicated anymore._

 _I knew his likes; weird music, weird hats, generally weird fashion, weird poems,..._

 _His dislikes; childish people, self pity, bugs, fish,..._

 _I knew his habits; easily being angered but it never lasted long, trying to look all though but secretly being the most cutest thing I've ever seen,..._

 _I knew his movements; looking at me at the corner of his eye, ….pulling his sleeve and avoiding eye contact whenever he was nervous,..._

 _I knew his breathing pattern._

 _I knew his words._

 _His words that always seemed to contradict themselves._

 _Saying I am a stupid idiot yet looking at me admirably (and slightly confused) when I explain my fascination for philosophical subjects._

 _Or when he says I am a burden, yet when he thinks I'm not paying attention he stares at me with a love struck look on his face… and 2 seconds later he mentally slaps himself and curses under his breath like he tries to deny the fact that he's is in love with me._

 _I know him._

 _So when he's saying to leave him alone…. he actually means the opposite, right?_

 _I took the crying mess inside my arms and tried to reassure him but the redhead just kept screaming and shaking uncontrollably...like he was possessed._

 _Chuuya scratched, tried to push me away, his legs throwing one kick after another but all those things were nothing compared to the pain his words held._

" _LET ME GO BASTARD!"_

" _YOU DISGUST ME!"_

" _DON'T TOUCH ME DAMMIT!"_

" _GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"_

" _I HATE YOU!"_

…

 _Chuuya suddenly stopped his rampage. His movements were frozen. His head buried in my chest. His insults replaced with silent sobs._

" _Chuuya…?"_

…

" _I hate you." The man said so calmly._

" _I- I really do...hate you. I hate you so much." Chuuya said now silently crying._

 _His head was still against my chest alongside his fists that clenched to my shirt._

" _...Why?" I asked._

 _I didn't understand. Yesterday we were fine._

 _We laughed. We hugged. We kissed._

 _Not a single thing happend. Yes we had a fight but it was just like always. Our endless bickering that didn't held any importance. Nothing out of the ordinary._

 _I teased him and gave him a kiss on his grumpy little head._

 _I told him goodnight and that I loved him in which he responded something snarky._

 _But after his head was turned I heard him whisper something that he didn't want me to hear._

" _I love you to."_

…

" _I hate you."_

" _...Why?"_

" _... I really don't know."_

 _And with that he bursted out in tears and I let him be._

 _We sat there for a couple of minutes. Not saying anything. Chuuya crying into my chest and I who tried my hardest to not hold his head in my palms and press my lips on his to calm him because I knew he would hate it._

 _Because...he hated me._

 _Like a lightning bolt on a sunny day._

 _Chuuya always feared lightning and thunder yet he himself was like a raging storm._

 _After that we didn't talk. He avoided me and when I tried to talk to him, to understand him he'd just say the same thing over and over._

" _I hate you."_

 _Over and over. Every time again._

" _I hate you."_

 _And with that I began to share his emotion._

 _I began to hate myself._

…

" _Just leave me alone you shitty bastard. I don't want to talk about it. I hate you."_

" _...Yeah, I hate myself to."_

 _And with that the scars and the bruises began to increase under my bandages but this time they were self inflicted._

…

 _*End of flashback.*_

* * *

"Oi, Dazai quit zoning out!" Rampo said firmly bringing Dazai get back to reality.

And just like that the facade continued.

With a smile Dazai waved his comment away and bubbly stated how pretty the flowers in front of them were.

Cosmos atrosanguineus.

Flowers that can grow up to 70-100 cm. The leaves are 7-15 cm long and they have a fleshy tuberous root. They hold a dark red to maroon dark brown color with a purple glint to it and a light vanillin fragrance attracting many bees and butterflies with their sweet scent.

He thought they were utterly beautiful.

"Yes.. we should go upstairs to investigate." Rampo stated.

Dazai took one last look at his favorite flowers, silent witnesses of all the meaningful moments Chuuya and him shared in front of them. Like their first kiss…

"Yes. I suggest I do the left wing and you the right one yeah?" he stated cheerfully despite the nagging feeling in his chest.

"Alright. Let's gather here again after 20 minutes." Rampo said.

And with that Dazai separated from his companion and was now heading to the left wing. The first thing he noticed was the mess in the corridors and classrooms. Both tables and chairs were all over the place along with the garbage kicked out of their containers. Books, pencils, even shoes here and there, all lying on the floor.

Dazai imagined how the play must have went.

A classroom full of pre-mafia members solving math problems when suddenly...a switch.

Like a lightning bolt on a clear sky the students began throwing their stuff at the now paralysed teacher. Shouting, kicking, throwing, running, insulting began to erupt. The out-of controlled students violating the teachers and the maids who were so overwhelmed that they couldn't hold composure against the youth and they broke down, crying in corners, screaming out of pure agony, running away from their haunting hallucinations. The students were free. No one to stop them. Not even themselves. Completely out of their sense they went on a rampage, running through the corridors and outside the Oalsom, beginning their quest to terrorise the city. A danger to Yokohama and themselves.

Dazai inspected the other 2 classrooms and the exact same sight could be perceived. 'The Switch' that must have happened at the same time affecting everyone at the Oalsom.

 _The rooms. The rooms should be clear. Since 'The Switch' happened around 10:00 am when everyone were in their classroom the room should be clear but still, maybe some clues can be found. If that would be the case it's likely an attack from inside, one of the students themselves maybe?_

 _No, no that can't be. All abilities off all students are registered and thoroughly described in the Archive and not one of the abilities could cause this kind of chaos._

Dazai pondered and pondered. This whole case was so vague. Normally he would move himself into the mind of the attacker, analysing their motives and figuring out their moves, that way he could come up with a theory of how things would go next, predicting their next movements and so coming up with a plan for the long run. A plan that never failed to show the expected results.

But this time it was different.

He couldn't figure out their motive, their way of thinking, their...emotion.

Why? Who? How?

What was he missing?

A missing link? A clue he had overlooked?

He needed something that would put the pieces together. Like that one corner of a puzzle that made it possible to lay out the other pieces systematically.

If only he could just-

"Dazai?!"

…

And in that moment everything froze. Dazai's eyes widened and all the memories flashed before his eyes. Starting off with the good and ending with the words 'I hate you'. He began to feel dizzy and his mind was a raging tornado.

Eventually he managed to make a sound out of his now dry throat.

" _Chuuya."_

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

Hiya! Thanks for reading!

It surely been awhile! Well I was busy with exams and such but to make up for it I'll be posting 3 more chapters in one day so there is that.

Hope you enjoyed bai! :)

Ps: Hi Elin.


	3. Ch3 Lightning bolt

**\- Ch.3 Like a lightningbolt -**

 _*Chuuya POV*_

" _Chuuya."_

His name echoed in his head.

There he stood, before him the man who'd haunt him in his dreams. Dazai Osamu.

He knew there was a chance he would encounter someone of that nosy detective agency but he didn't expect it would be the infamous demon himself.

"Tch. You detectives, always sticking your noses into everything. This matter is a concern of the Port Mafia so mind your own business and get lost." Chuuya exclaimed bitterly.

"Chuuya~ that isn't something to say to an acquaintance you haven't seen in ages now is it?" The other man stated ever so cheerfully yet having an emotionless face.

 _So damn hard to read._

 _An acquaintance. That's how he called them._

 _A person known to one, but usually not a close friend._

 _No we were definitely not friends._

 _Were we ever friends to begin with?_

 _I never saw him as my friend._

 _I saw him as my-_

…

 _My lover. My soulmate._

 _Although he could irritate the fuck out of me, I- I couldn't see my future without him and I didn't want to either._

 _I remember how much I loved him._

 _Disgusting._

 _The love I felt is completely replaced with hate and disgust._

 _From lovers to enemies._

 _Well we weren't enemies either. To be enemies you have to be with two. And this wasn't mutual hate._

 _Not friends._

 _Not enemies._

 _And definitely not strangers._

 _We knew each other too well to be strangers._

…

 _So.. acquaintances?_

 _Disgusting._

 _Ugh why, am I so fucking angry?!_

I found myself filled with utter anger. The man didn't do anything mildly annoying and yet I was shaking with pure rage.

 _I have trouble breathing._

I gritted my teeth and tried to compose myself. To control the urge to grab him by his collar and-

"Lost your tongue? My~ you haven't changed at all! Well, maybe you even got smaller than you already were." Dazai said, faking a smile on his face.

 _Damn can't you do better to hide your distress?! I can see right through that smile of yours, you can do better than that._

Instead of snapping at his comment, I just waved it away. Getting worked up by it, is just what he wants.

"You're not worth my time. I'm leaving." I said in a cold manner...and breaking my voice.

 _Right. That's how it should be. Ignorance is the best weapon against a man like him. Anything hurts less than the quiet. He wouldn't be caught up in Dazai's trap._

"I see.. Well I guess I'll see you soon enough, Chuuya."

 _Wait what? Soon? Huh?_

 _DAMMIT_

"And why do you think I'll see a bastard like you again? Once in a lifetime is already enough of a burden." I snapped.

 _Turns out you simply can't ignore a man like Dazai Osamu._

"Well…" Dazai hesitated.

 _He's nervous?_

"It's almost your birthday isn't it? What kind of human being would I be if I didn't celebrate the birthday of my one and only love, hmm?" He smirked.

No trace of doubt could be found in his voice anymore yet his face…

 _What. His..one and only WHAT?! HELL NO! Ew. For fuck sake. NO!_

"A pathetic excuse of a human being you are! I haven't seen you in 3 years! Don't get soppy now and go around saying shit like celebrating my birthday idiot!" I shouted.

The man didn't say anything. He just smiled.

It wasn't one of his many fake smiles tho… It was a warm smile. And at the same time so very sad.

And it felt like a knife pierced through my heart. I felt an overwhelming feeling of shock in that moment. I froze and my whole body was tingling. Like a million needles were being pushed into my skin. It gave me a very cold, yet at the same time, excruciating hot feeling. A wave that swelled through my body and paralysed me. Completely numb.

And about the emotion I felt. Nothing. No hate. No love. Not anything. Just emptiness.

Dazai walked past me. To me, in slow motion.

His scent filling up my senses.

I gulped.

All the emotions struck.

Despair.

Guilt.

Confusion.

Sorrow.

Frustration.

And pain.

Agonising pain.

I sank through my legs.

After that everything was fading. Slowly turning black.

The only thing I could distinguish were brown-red eyes who looked at me in utter panic.

It was like I got struck by a lightning bolt.

And damn I really, _really_ hate thunder and lightning.

* * *

 **Author's note:**

Hiya guys!

By now I think it's rather clear what the red thread is in the past two chapters. You guessed it! Thunder and lightning!

It reminds me of Chuuya and Dazai. The raging, the tension, the intensity. Thunder following the lighting, two things that just belong together in their chaotic state. There is something really poetic about it that I find intriguing. Well I'm going to stop ranting now.

I'm thinking of sticking in every chapter a theme and making it every title but idk about that bc I'm making it myself rather difficult. We'll see.

Please let me know what you think bc I need motivation! :p

Also special thanks to my best friendo, my editor, my fellow weirdo and my soulmate. The one and only. The absolute best. The coolest and the most wicked (in a good sense). Lol thank you very very much for your contribution and support! You deserve all the praise in tha world and thus, once again, I dedicate this chapter to you. You know what? Fuck it. I dedicate this whole fic to you. So strap ya self in bc this is gonna be a wild ride.

And yes, yes this is going to be a thing where I praise you every chapie. Look forward to that hehe.

Thank you for reading!


	4. Ch4 Memory lane

**\- Ch.4 Memory lane -**

 _*Chuuya POV*_

 _Where am I?_

 _Chuuya slowly opened his eyes. Before him, white. Nothing but white. Aside from him, behind him, before him, nothing._

 _Sitting in a black, metallic chair in a white room._

 _He looked underneath him._

 _His hands were tied up in a grey rope._

 _His bare feet, along with the feet of the chair he sat on, immersed in a small water layer about 6 cm tops. The water itself completely transparent, revealing the white tiled floor._

 _What is this place? How did I get here?_

 _He breathed._

" _Who the fuck are you?!"_

 _His eyes widened. He heard his own voice. Very faint and...scared._

 _He tilted his head. The voice came from right above him._

" _Holy shit." he hissed._

 _Above him was floating water. FLOATING WATER!_

 _And that's not the craziest part! In the water were faces. Faces from his past._

 _Him, 6 years old, arriving in the Oalsom. His body completely drenched and shaking. In his arms he held his teddy bear, who he had gotten from his now dead mother._

 _Him, trying to make friends._

 _The faces of the maids, scolding him for causing mischief._

 _Him reading a mystery novel at his favorite bench._

 _Him and Dazai together on that same bench._

 _..._

 _The faces were morphing into each other like a slideshow. As time passed one face was popping up more frequently that the others and gradually becoming more clearer._

 _Dazai's_

…

 _His face pressed against his chest._

 _His face giving a peaceful smile._

 _..._

 _Then another face appeared. It was very blurry but he could distinguish the color of their eyes. A dark green one and a very light lemon green one, almost white like how a blind person's eyes would look like._

 _My face in horror._

 _What just happened? Who was that?_

…

 _After the appearance of the mysterious face, Dazai's face returned in the water._

 _He had a sad smile painted on his face. I saw his lips move and spitsed my ears to hear what he was saying._

" _...Yeah, I hate myself to."_

…

 _Am I dead?_

 _I'm looking above me, in an all white room. The most important faces and memories flashing before my eyes in waves of the floating transparent water._

 _Isn't that something you see when you're about to die._

 _Well shit._

 _Wait, what was I doing then?_

 _I was investigating the Oalsom and then...Dazai._

 _Oooooooh…..I fainted._

 _Great I must've smashed my head on the ground when I fell over but-_

 _No, no wait. When I fainted I landed on something...soft?_

…

 _I fell into Dazai's arms._

…

 _DAMMIT!_

 _Well unless Dazai is currently killing me in my sleep. I'm not dead._

…

 _Ooh...What a… relief._

…

 _Sooooo.. Then why was my life flashing above my head like a fricking slideshow?!_

 _And, who was that unfamiliar face? That face appeared the moment before that whole scene played out with Dazai. Before I began to hate that man's guts._

 _I never knew the reason for my unexplanatory hatred for Dazai._

 _One day it just popped up._

 _That person… could he be the reason?_

* * *

 _*Dazai's Pov*_

When I was confronted with Chuuya again after three years he had put on a facade. I tried my hardest to fake a smile and said: " _Chuuya~ that isn't something you say to an acquaintance you haven't seen in ages now is it?"_

An acquaintance. The word felt so strange to me, vulgar even. Chuuya and I were so much more than simply acquaintances but I couldn't give the current relationship we had a name. I couldn't categorise Chuuya and me in any group.

We weren't lovers nor friends.

We were far from enemies and even acquaintances didn't do us justice.

Being called strangers was just laughable.

So what should I have called them?

We were everything.

And we were nothing.

But time was running out, every second that past was a second I wasted in the presence of my cherished Chuuya.

So in the end I went for "acquaintance".

He just stood there. Baffled.

It seemed like he was in deep thought.

Finally he could manage the sentence " _You're not worth my time. I'm leaving."._

While I cherished every precious second I had with that man (...on my own unique way), he thought that every second with me was a waste of time.

I wasn't worth his time.

I wasn't worth anything.

And yet, while he was saying that sentence, his voice cracked and his eyes looked so unbearably sad like he could break into tears any moment.

 _How could I, not worth his time, be able to make him feel so saddened?_

 _For someone who would supposably mean nothing to the other, I could sure make him feel everything._

 _Everything except love. Love in all it's facets._

 _How could he say something so cold, so cruel, not even the slightest emotion in his tone yet his face painted with emotion, one especially obvious; hurt._

 _How could someone's heart be sealed away in a split second, his love seemingly disappeared yet how could his body show the memory of love? How could his body show sorrow, guilt, despair, longing but his words filled with nothing but contradicting emotion, one in particularl; hate._

" _I see.. Well I guess I'll see you soon enough, Chuuya."_ I said.

Now his face portrayed another emotion; complete and utter shock.

I didn't plan to say those words, it was just a matter of impulse. And now I had to explain myself.

 _It's almost your birthday isn't it? What kind of human being would I be if I didn't celebrate the birthday of my one and only love, hmm?"_ I tried to say while putting on the mask of a confident man while in reality I was so nervous for his next emotion.

Would it be surprise? Disgust? Hate?

Still there was a faint and oh so foolish hope it would have been something else.

Seeing Chuuya startled. With a crimson red blush on his cheeks. Oh, I had missed that sight.

But what I got was completely something else.

Anger. Hate. Disgust.

With that the slightest bit of hope I still had after 3 very long years was gone in a matter of seconds.

3 Seconds to be exact.

3 emotions.

 _Anger._

 _Hate._

 _And disgust._

I froze. This was it. In that moment I planned to finally give him up.

At last I gave him a smile. Not a fake one but a warm, genuine smile.

A goodbye-smile.

I had freed myself from him. Even when I hadn't seen him in years, he was never truly gone. He was always there, in my thoughts, my dreams, my nightmares, my heart.

But I decided to finally let him go.

So I took some steady steps towards the man and saw right through him.

I didn't try to imprint him in my memory, with every step I took I had tried to erase every single memory of him.

Finally, I walked past the other man.

I said I would see him soon, to celebrate his birthday in a few days, but in reality I thought that was the last time I would see him. The last time I would see anything.

Because I planned to kill myself right after this confrontation.

But things don't usually go as planned. Even if you're called ' _Dazai Osamu',_ there's no telling how the oh so unpredictable, Chuuya Nakahara, would have reacted.

Chuuya could love you one day, and if you thought you had figured him out, he would hate you the next.

…

A gulp.

A muffeld scream.

A clattering sound.

…

I took Chuuya's frail body in my arms and had tried to shake him out of it but it was no use because Chuuya's eyes closed and in the end, _he_ was the one that gave up.

* * *

 **Author's note:**

Quick summary of what happend up until now:

\- There is a 16 year old boy, called Alfie Lewison, who experienced a traumatic even 7 years ago and because of that he surpresses every memory and emotion with from his past bc that shit hurts like a bitch. Now he just feels jelousy and melancholly (also a sub concious hatred and vengeance but he's in denial about other emotions please help this edgy broken child.)

\- Chuuya has lived in the Oalsom, a port mafia estate to train pre-mafia members,since he was 6 years old. Also we know his mother died. cry

\- When Dazai came to live at the Oalsom he was 16 and Chuuya 15. (They are actually 2 years appart tho)

\- Dazai looks forward to working with the Port Mafia (which you are forced to when you are 18), it's implied that he thinks of his birth as a crime. But bear in mind that he started hating himself when Chuuya began to hate him.

\- I implied it in ch. 2 that they offically started a relationship when Chuuya was just 16, at that time Dazai was 17, almost turning 18. (Sorry if this is complicated but it has importance for the plot considering Alfie)

\- Few months after their lil make-out sension in Ch.2 that ended up in sex btw but i didn't want to include smut just yet bc anticipation, the 'switch' in Chuuya's brain happend which made Chuuya hate Dazai.

\- Few months after the switch, Dazai turned 18 and that meant he left the Oalsom and began working at the Oalsom. Then Chuuya does the same at when he eventually turns 18 but when he joins the Port Mafia Dazai is already gone (so he was there for a year or so) and joined the Detective Agency.

-Then 3 years later, the present yay, (so Dazai is 22 and Chuuya 20, turning 21 in a few days) they meet again at the Oalsom to investigate a case.

\- The case being that the children suddenly became agressive and the maids and teachers got extreme paranoia and anxiety. There are no leads untill now. The sudden change in emotions is very simmelar to what had happend with Chuuya in the past. However it's implied Dazai can neutralize the effect of the unknown ability on the teachers and maids but not on Chuuya. (If he can neutralize it on the children is not revealed yet)

\- Then Chuuya fainted and went trippy.

Okayy so that was that, I'm sorry if it's a bit complicating, if you have questions you can always ask! :)

Thanks for reading! Please review!

Now I start my regular praising for my editor and best friend.

ELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

hi

thanks

you're nailing the editing, if it wasn't for you this would surely suck

I mean just look at this unedited author's note lol cringe

Okay so I love you loads, you are my soulmate (no homo)

Also you are awsome if I hadn't made it clear already

Ok ok bai!


	5. Ch5 Between love and hate

**\- Ch.5 Between love and hate -**

 _*Chuuya Pov*_

I woke up and instantly curled up because of the excruciating migraine in my head. I tried to take deep breaths and tried to recall what happened.

That's right, _he_ happened.

Then I tried to visualise the dream I just had. It was still really vivid as I recalled.

I was in a chair and above me floated a layer of water that held certain memories. But one I don't remember. That kid. It was the last face I saw before I woke up. Well not that I saw much. I remember him having green eyes, well his right one was almost white. Hmm.. Who was he? Maybe he was just a lowlife that I met when I was drunk or something that's probably why I don't remember. Wait no..he must have some kind of importance to pop up in my subconscious. All the other faces were important… Dammit! Who the heck was that kid?!

As I was trying to remember him I heard footsteps downstairs.

Wait.

Where am I?

I was laying in a double bed with thin white sheets. On the wooden walls hung a few shelves with thick books. In front of the bed was a flatscreen tv with next to it a giant house plant. The wooden floor was being covered with a soft looking grey carpet. Beside the bed were two glossy white nightstands. One with a little plant and a wooden deer on top of a golden plate. On the other were two glasses of water and a few aspirins. Next to it was a yellow sticky note. I took the note and read it.

 _Chuuya-kun~_

 _You fainted bc you couldn't handle my handsomeness._

 _So to calm your senses, here is some aspirin and water._

 _Sincerely your one and only ;)_

Ew.

I instantly crumbled it and threw it away.

I looked around a second time. On my right was a big window with dark grey curtains. The moonlight went through the small opening and filled the room.

Dazai's room was...warm. It had a warm vibe to it.

I sighed and took the aspirin.

Then I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

Dazai!

Without thinking I pulled the sheets up and pretended to be asleep.

The last thing I wanted, is dealing with that shithead.

Dazai stepped in the room and stood still. I felt his eyes hover over me and got a tingling through my body. For a solid 2 minutes he didn't make a sound.

God my body felt like it was boiling. Can he just not enter his own bedroom sheez.

 _"Chuuya?"_

I gulped.

The way Dazai said my name sounded nothing like the note he left me. His voice was filled with sorrow.

He took a step towards me and gently stroked my hair. I didn't move nor opened my eyes.

The idea of being in the same room with him disgusted me. The hatred was still very much present. However, I couldn't say that it didn't feel good. Ever since I began hating Dazai my body didn't correspond with that hatred. Whenever I would pass Dazai at the Oalsom my mind would scream how much I despised the man. I would have this urge to yell at him even when there was no reason for it. Yet my body would feel exhausted. Although I didn't want to admit it back then, my body was longing for the other man. I never stopped having this tingling feeling in my stomach because of him. And when I said I hated him, which I truly do, I would have this urge to cry. My body craved his comforting touch but my mind despised the idea. Sometimes those contradicting emotions would be so unbearable that I had to puke. It was like a constant fight between myself. A fight between hate and love. At a certain point it was that bad that I began to hate myself. But that ended when Dazai finally left the Oalsom. And except the exhausted, dragging feeling within my body, a feeling of emptiness in my heart, everything went normal. Well as fat that the life of a mafia executive could be considered _normal_. But then I met him again a few hours ago.

My body had screamed and wanted to run in his arms but my mind told me to chop those arms off. I think that heavy state is what made me faint. It was just all too much. It's honestly so exhausting to force myself to keep myself from killing him ànd embrace him. So at this moment I just let it be. To just give up. Give up on the hatred and the love.

There I was, laying on his bed, a mafia executive being patted on the head by a man I once so loved but came to despise.

* * *

 _*Dazai Pov*_

I knew that Chuuya was faking to be asleep but I honestly couldn't care less. He didn't respond, so for me that was the same as granting permission to touch him. And how I missed touching the redhead.

Chuuya's cheeks turned a shade of crimson red. I decided to test this fragile state and whispered in his ear.

" _Oh Chuuya, you have no idea how much I have missed you."_

The ginger shivered but still kept his eyes closed. In the morning he would see my face again and he would remember his hatred towards me. He would probably yell at me, throwing insult after insult and then he would most likely throw the door behind him closed and I would probably never see him again. One reason being that Chuuya would never want to see me again and the other being that I decided to hang myself after his leave. But before Chuuya is going to leave me I would have one night with him.

I laid myself next to Chuuya wrapping my arms around his small torso. He seemed to be out of breath. The shimmer of the moonlight danced on his face making it look like porcelain. No one would ever expect him to be a mafia executive in this vulnerable sight.

" _Chuuya, I still love you y'know", I breathed in his ear._

 _"After all this time, I never stoped loving you"_

 _"Chuuya… I love you so much"_

 _"Would you believe me if I told you I've never loved someone except for you?"_

… No response.

" _You know, I've never really told you this, but I was abandoned by my mother and thrown in an orphanage like trash. My mother was a 16 year old drug addict who threw herself in prostitution to pay the rent for her filthy apartment where rats were crawling. I was the unwanted product of that sad situation. One of her loyal customers, a handsome, mysterious, pained looking young man she described him, eventually raped her after she told him she wanted to quit prostitution. She was very violent. One time she chased me with a knife. But then there were times she would cry and tell me I was everything she had left. I couldn't love her. I didn't hate her either. I resented her though. I blamed her for giving birth to me. I always felt like I was a mistake. I didn't have any right to live" ,_ I glanced at Chuuya and saw that his hands were clenched in the white sheets. His face looked pained.

I continued my story. I was going to die soon after, so I might as well tell him who exactly the man is who we loved and hated.

" _When I was 7, she committed suicide. She left me a note. The only thing on it was that she was sorry that she couldn't bring herself to love me. That she was sorry for being a terrible mother. And that she hopes that I grow up to be someone worth living. Oh Chuuya you have no idea how much that scared me"_ I muffelt my head in Chuuya's neck.

I tried to keep my voice even and continued: " _I ended up in an orphanage. Also there I've never loved. Every single one of those kids were just as miserable as I was. They were like a mirror that showed me how pathetic I was. They also didn't talk much so most of the time I would just be alone in utter silence. There was one care keeper that didn't like me very much. He said it was the way my face looked. He violated me. When we were alone he would give me scars and bruises. That's how I got those bandages. The worst thing is, I didn't resent or fought against it. I thought I deserved it. At the age of 16 I realised nobody deserved that kind of treatment. I ran away. From there on I lived a few days in an alley alongside 5 streetcats that held me company. My food consisted of what was in the dumpsters in that alley. One day the mafia appeared in the alley. I hid behind the dumpsters and saw how they murdered 3 gang members. They eventually discovered me. One guy threw a lightning bolt at me but as it touched my finger I neutralised this ability with 'No Longer Human'. The lighting bolt shattered with electricity sparks. It really was a sight, imagine a dark alley and then those electricity sparks flying through it. Well the other mafia members were surely impressed with my neutralizing ability so they took me in. They showed me at their boss Mori and he told me he had plans for me. So from there on you know how the story continues. They dropped me off at the Oalsom with you guys. So yeah, I've never loved someone until I met you."_

When I looked at Chuuya's face his eyes were already open. He was crying. His tears were all over his face and he tried to muffle the sounds by burying his mouth in the pillow.

" _Oh Chuuya"_ I sighed and took his head and placed it on my chest. My arm wrapped around his shoulders and i began stroking his hair.

" _I've never loved anyone but you and nobody has ever loved me but you. Why is it you stopped loving me?"_ I asked, despair and melancholy filled my voice.

The other man sobbed and tried to calm himself. He managed to say: "I-I don't know. I really don't. Just one day it- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" His hands were now clenching in my shirt.

I cupped his cheeks and brought his face before me so that I could finally face him properly.

" _It's not your fault Chuuya. Something happened to you back then. I understand now. You can't do anything about it, I understand but please. Please can you fight it for just one night? For just one moment? I won't ever bother you again. Please just try and love me again for just this once. And if you can't please just let me love you",_ I cried.

Chuuya stared at me in surprise. " _I-I…"_ he tried.

He sighed and said: " _Dazai, I can't. I ha-... I'm sorry. I can't"_

He looked at me with a mixture of pity, hate and love (?).

He sighed and asked: " _You'll never bother me again right?"_

" _...I won't",_ I said.

Chuuya sighed and relaxed his muscles. His weight resting on top of me.

" _Okay.. I'll let you...love me. J-just for this night",_ he said, voice cracking. Although it was meant as a statement, it sounded like a question.

" _..."_ I didn't say anything. I stared at him until his eyes finally met mine and then I forcefully kissed him.

" _Oi, Dazai calm the fuck down! I won't go anywhere! You have my word! Just slow down okay, I'm trying my best here, you have any idea how difficult this-"_ I cutted him off by switching positions. I pinned him down on the bed and began leaving a trail of kisses in his neck.

Chuuya's eyes widened and he shivered under me. I began sucking on his collarbone and earned a moan from the red haired mafia executive who covered his mouth with his hand in embarrassment.

" _You may say you hate me but your body is responding you know",_ I whispered seductively.

" _Shut up!"_ He hissed.

" _Ah Chuuya don't deny it",_ I said playfully. My fingertip trailed slowly over his hip until it reached his waist. I looked at the bulge in his silk black pants and gave the man a smirk. " _See! Your body still loves me!"_ I laughed but soon got interrupted by Chuuya grabbing my collar and swinging me around. Now I was bottom. That didn't quite seem right.

" _Okay listen up you waste of bandages! I promised I won't go anywhere but if you play around like that I might actually just knock you out! Or better yet I knock myself out so I don't have to endure this shit!"_

" _Kinky."_

" _Oh for for fuck sake! Just get this over with will ya!"_ He shouted.

I stopped laughing and looked at the boy hovering above me. My smile faded and my expression went serious.

" _You hate it that much?"_

" _Of course I do idiot!"_

" _Then why are you letting me do my way with you? Why are still here then?"_

Chuuya loosened his grip on my collar and stared at me dumbfounded.

"I don't kn-" he stammered. He sighed and tried to think about what he was going to say next.

Chuuya let go of my collar and straightened his back, sitting on my thighs he looked me in the eyes and began to speak: " _Dazai."_ he said.

" _I… I did love you. But then on that day something happened. I don't know what or why but since then I can't love you anymore. And I honestly wish we could go back because I hate hating you. But I just can't… I can't look at you without getting mad but… I've never stopped getting these electric sensations when I face you. When you told me about your past I- I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry. I don't know how to explain it. But I'm sorry I can't",_ he sighed.

I brought my hand to Chuuya's cheek and said: " _This isn't your fault Chuuya. I'm glad you are trying to explain it",_ I kissed his tears away. " _I'm glad you are here",_ I said, licking off the remaining drops of salt and water on his cheeks. " _And I'm sorry that you're hurt because of me",_ I said laying my other hand on his head and gently stroking it. " _I promise that after tonight I won't ever hurt you again",_ I said faking a smile.

Chuuya gave no response. He just looked at me with a pained look on his face.

I gave him a kiss on his mouth. He tried to push me away but I grabbed his struggling hands until he stopped resisting and finally gave in. I deepened the kiss by biting his bottom lip which made him gasp. With that I slid my tongue in his warm mouth. My tongue curled up with his. At first he didn't make any movements but soon after he hesitantly moved his tongue in sync with mine. We fought for the upper hand but of course I won. I sank in the pillow under me and Chuuya followed. I placed my hand on his hip and my other went through his soft hair. His hands grabbed my shirt and tried his best not to let himself collapse on top of me.

After a few minutes of passionate making out Chuuya stopped and without a word he went off me and buried himself under the sheets next to me. His back facing me and his ears red. " _That's enough",_ he said, his voice husky. I spooned him a whispered in his ear: "Thank you my dear Chuuya"

A few minutes later I felt his head turn and watch me supposedly be asleep. Then he touched my cheek but he pulled away the moment my skin felt his fingertips. I heard him let out an annoyed sigh. He turned away again and tried to sleep.

Half an hour past and I thought he had now fallen asleep so I whispered: " _I love you Chuuya"_. For 5 minutes we layed there in complete silence except for some cars that drove by. Then without facing me Chuuya said with a faint voice: " _I know"_

The night continued in silence but I don't think any of us had slept. When it was 6 a.m. I rolled out of bed, gave Chuuya one last glance and without giving him a farewell kiss or even a note I stumbled down the stairs.

I'm tired. Oh so tired. I'm tired of being hurt and of hurting. I'm tired of being hated and tired of loving. I was done.

I poured myself a glass of water and looked outside my window for a brief moment before I went into my bathroom. I opened one of the slides and got a razor blade. I sat myself in the thub with my clothes still on. A plain white shirt and beige pants. This is how I'll die. I opened the tap and let the bath be filled with ice cold water. If I wouldn't die from slitting my wrists I'd sure die from hypothermia. When the tub was now completely full I stared at the nothingness in front of me. I sighed and brought the cold metal against my skin. I remembered the promise I made Chuuya years ago when we were still a couple.

If you'd kill yourself, would it make you a murderer?

* * *

 **Authors note:**

In summary you can say this chapter was the embodiment of 'MY MIND IS TELLING ME NOOOOOO BUT MA BODYYYY MA BODYYYYY IS TELLING YEEEEEEEESSS'

lol ok sorry

so no smut

it didn't really fit the scenery but probably will… at some point i dunno

so hope u liked this fluffy angst thingy

Thank you for the reviews on the previous chapie :)

So yeh Dazai wants to commit suicide… how will that end up?

Aaaaand what's with that promise?

For those two questions you'll must have patience xd Well I'm in a writing mood and have nothing to do so you wont have to wait that long (unlike a certain someone who I know, reads my fics but waits to damn long to write their own fic *cough* Elin hi *cough*) So yeah here is what I'm planning for next chapters:

Ch 5. Alfie Pov, his ability will be thoroughly explained, also what happened to rampo in previous chapter bc Dazai kinda ditched him to take Chuuya to his apartment, here's what happened: an epic confrontation between lil Alfie and Rampo so look forward to that

Ch 6. Chuuya finds Dazai, how you ask? Dead or alive? lolz you'll see and then the whole chap is gonna be a flashback talking about the promise Dazai was thinking about

Ch 7. This is the chapter you'll get the answer on the major question: Does Dazai die?

lol who know don't underestimate me I like to make characters suffer well babai :)

Also a huge thanks to my partner in crime, ELIN. Thanks for proofreading, editing and

supporting! I love ya you lil shit :) (also write your fic further!)

Thanks for reading!


	6. Ch6 Between the lines

**\- Ch. 6: Between the lines -**

 **Authors note:**

Chapter takes place when Dazai was confronted with Chuuya again in the Oalsom but this time in the perspective of Rampo.

Reminder: Dazai had said to Rampo that after investigating they would meet again after 20 minutes to report. Dazai was set out for investigating in another wing than Rampo. Since Dazai was confronted with Chuuya again and Chuuya fainted, Dazai brought Chuuya to his apartment and kinda forgot about Rampo. So here is what happened with Rampo while the two idiots had their lil angsty hello again…

Also I messed up in the previous chapter when I said ch. 5 was about Rampo and Alfie but I meant ch. 6 so here ya go and enjoy:

* * *

 _*Rampo Pov*_

25 minutes passed and Dazai was still not here. Should I search for him?

Well, knowing Dazai he will be okay in any kind of situation, he probably found something interesting. If it was something serious and of importance for the investigation he would've called me already. I'll let him be and wait a few more minutes.

…

After some time I looked at my watch. 10 minutes had already passed.

Rampo looked around. He was sitting on a bench in front of some beautiful red flowers. The place had an intriguing vibe to it. The Oalsom estate was said to be a cold and sad place. If you'd pass by the huge gate, you'd see the garden with it's old, worn-out benches, the red flowers followed with the intimidating statues in their fountains that were filled with filthy green water, not to mention the giant haunted looking building behind the garden, so it's understandable that people would be afraid of that place. Just looking at the estate from the outside gave you chills down your spine. But actually having been inside the place and thoroughly looking at it, I could see why Dazai had this sad but also warm smile when entering his previous home. It had some kind melancholic beauty in it. It looked rather lonesome yes, but at the same time also peacefull. Well if you wouldn't count the havoc the brainwashed children had caused inside. But normally that wouldn't be the case. Normally pre-mafia children would fill the place with laughter. It was bittersweet to think about these children, being given a chance for a new life. Being able to be with others like themselves, learning languages, math, how to defend yourself, getting food and a bed to sleep in. Most of these kids were abandoned and lost all those things that seemed so self-evident but for them it would be a life given to them, rather than the struggle to survive that they knew.

If you look at it that way it's no surprise why they wouldn't hesitate to work with the mafia when they turn in. Still, they are being forced. The caretakes manipulate them into thinking they owe them. Refusing the mafia would mean having no gratitude for the life given to them. It would also mean that that life would be taken away as quickly as they got it. If you didn't want to kill people for the sake of this so called "gratitude" then you would be killed instead.

Bittersweet.

But stopping the system was no option. If the agency would interfere and would take the pre-mafia members away you'd take away their home. The Oalsom was all they had. And we couldn't give all of them a better one. So until they turn 18 they would spent their time here, being happy.

In this perspective was the Oalsom something very fragile and beautiful.

I gave another look at the flowers. If I recall correctly Dazai has the same flowers on his desk in the agency. This place must have a lot of meaning to him. Even when we were still behind the gate you could see on Dazai's face it had a huge impact on it. I think it'd be best if I let the man be alone now.

I got my phone and texted Dazai that I'd meet him back at the Agency and began to walk toward the gate to take my leave.

On the thick wall and rather short wall linked with the gate sat a boy. I stood still and pierced my eyes at him.

The boy was sitting legs crossed. He wore black pants with a grey shirt and a loose blue-green checkered shirt above paired with a dark brown hoody. He looked like those edgy 16 year olds boys who would wander down the streets without a single purpose. What was rather odd was that he wore dark blue earmuffs and a black scarf that hid half of his face. It was almost spring… Another odd thing I noticed was that the boy had a very light green eye while the other one was a very dark green color. His right looked almost white, perhaps he was blind at that one?

He noticed me and stared at me with boredom. When I was at the gate, trying to open it he spoke with a mocking tone:

" _Found anything interesting detective?"_ he said.

I looked up. The fact that he was even here was rather odd but that he knew I was investigating the case had me stunned. It wasn't even publically announced that the children had fled and the Oalsom had being left abandoned.

I fixed my glasses and said in a calm tone: " _Nothing of your concern. May I ask what you are doing here?"_

" _Nothing of your concern",_ he mimicked me with a fake smile.

" _Well actually it is my concern, you seem to know why I'm here so you must realise you being here isn't in your favor right? If you don't want to tell me why you are here then you can always tell the cops",_ I said.

" _HA! … boring."_ The boy said jumping of the wall and facing me with a cocky attitude.

" _Detectives and cops don't get along and even if you sent them, you have nothing on me mister detective. I could just say I was chilling here. What's wrong with appreciating the ugly statues or the disgusting flowers. Also the building! Wow! Just phenomenal don't you think? Just look at those bigass windows! You'd almost forget this was a prison!"_ he said sarcastically with a grim smile on his face. He stepped closer, his smile faded and he looked at me with a death glare and continued: " _Almost"_

I just glared at him, thought about his words and tried to analyse his behaviour.

First of all, it was certain he knew the Oalsom's true character. Regular people would just say it was an orphanage but the way he described it implied that he knew about the mafia's part in this, it being 'a prison'. He is familiar with it and has a disgust towards it, maybe he's one of the brainwashed children? No, no he doesn't look violent. Sure he does challenge me but it's much different than the overly aggressive victims of one's ability. He looks rather calm and confident. A bit too confident for a brat that knows I'm a detective. Hmm.. what could his connection be? Well I certainly won't let him pass.

" _I see.. and from where comes this disgust towards this orphanage?"_ I asked.

The boy sighed and said: " _Ah this is so tiresome. I'll be leaving. Ciao"_

Before he could walk aways I grabbed his arm and pushed him to the wall. He looked at the ground, his grey/blue hair fell down his eyes and a smile appeared on his face.

" _How about you let me go, né?"_ he said.

" _Not before you tell me exactly who you are and what you're doing here"_ , I stated.

" _Isn't it obvious? tsk..you're a detective and yet you can't link the pieces together. How laughable. Really, if I was able to laugh I would've. What about you detective? Do you laugh often? You seem like someone who's quite serious when needed to but you aren't afraid to be silly right? Just for the purpose of making others laugh. Funny",_ he said now looking me straight in the eye.

" _Bullseye! Ah, I know what you're feeling detective. You are smart and over confident of that intelligence but you can't know it all you know. Ah how desperately you want to understand emotions of other people. When I was little I was just like you. I knew how to read people, I knew the facts but I couldn't understand it really. I would always try to make people smile and that made me happy but I, myself didn't even get what was so funny about my calculated jokes. But here is the thing detective. Once you understand people's real emotions you'd be surprised how many of them are faking to laugh at your jokes. All the same. They're all the same. Ain't I correct detective?"_

" _Stop this nonsense. You do realise you're contradicting yourself right? Now tell me your name. I'm not interested in your life story or your problematic view on people. I'm interested in your connection to Oalsom. Don't waste my time kid",_ I said

" _Ugh. I think it's the opposite, you're wasting my time here. I'm done playing", the boy said and then everything went hazy._

I remember the piercing look he gave me and I suddenly felt the desire to let him go. After that I suddenly felt really anxious. My tranquility and confidence suddenly gone. I backed away and tried to calm myself and think of what the fuck was happening.

The boy walked toward me and said: "All this talk about feeling and yet you still haven't figured it out. You shouldn't be so fixated on hidden meaning when there aren't any. Really, I was just chilling. Chilling and waiting when you were going to come out. I just wanted to have fun but even that seems impossible nowadays. Ugh...feelings", he said boredly.

And then it hit me. Feelings. The children and teachers weren't brainwashed. Their feelings were being manipulated. Just like I am now! This kid.. my thoughts were being abruptly cut off and next thing I know I'm seeing an odd boy leave through the gate.

Wait, who's that? And what is that boy doing here?

What am I doing here? Wasn't I standing at the bench just now.

I tried to get a glimpse of the boy's face but when he turned his head it appeared blurry although being a few meters away from me. The only thing I could distinguish was a dark green spot and a light green blurry spot, supposedly his eyes.

What the hell just happened?

* * *

 _*Alfie Pov*_

I opened the gate and walked away. Before leaving I turned my head at the perplexed detective. How sad. He doesn't even realise this was all a game. From the moment I saw him I manipulated him into being impatient. Next I boosted his greed. Making him only focus on getting a straight answer on his two questions. Who I am and what I was doing there. Tsk, so impatient he didn't even try and read between the lines. Honestly I was just chilling, minding my own business and keeping guard for snoopers. Really he isn't even part of the mafia. What a disappointment. I didn't even got one genuine laugh out of toying with that man. Well at least I finally got to see those two again.

Ah yes, his expression was worth it though. He looked so miserable. Ha… If you think you can fool me with that facade of yours you couldn't be more wrong… Dazai.

* * *

 **Authors note:**

Hi if you thought you'd get answers.. well you've got them but now they're even more questions. And yes, things will get more complicated. But everything will be clear in the end… i think… i hope.

Well anyway now you know, tho it was kinda obvious, who is behind the Oalsom case as well who's the root of Chuuya's hatred. Well kinda, you don't really know who the OC is but you kiiiiinda know his ability? Kinda.. there's more to just manipulating emotions and erasing memories… ALOT more. But what's the fun in revealing it all before the real drama begins? You guessed it! Back storieeeees! yay! Lol I'm sorry I love angst. But don't worry there will be alot of fluffy scenes, mostly in flashbacks tho were soukoku was still smol, but I'm also planning to do a smut scene buuuuuuuuut we'll get there. This gonna be a long fic and before your desires will be answered I'll have to let you wait and build the tension. Oooooooooor I could just let Dazai die in chapter 8, lol who knows? Okay so that was all. Also a big thanks to everyone who reviewed this story! I really appreciate it and it's really motivating! Thanks to you guys I have the motivation to write everyday on this. :) Tomorrow I'll probably write both chapter 7 and 8 so you don't have to wait that long :) (Next we'll be back with soukoku)

Also great thanks to my partner in crime, though wer'e both to lazy to commit crime- ELIIIIIIIIIIN! It's great. You're great. Greater than the great wall of China. It's true. Trust me. T… GREAT LAZY! WRITE YOUR GODDAMN FIC! No, well yes, do that but you are really awsome!

(Yes, yes the praising is going to be a regular thing)

Thank you for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it so far! :)


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